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| Joined: | Thu May 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | Stratford, Australia |
| Posts: | 6967 |
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"When Forever Ends" is a great title and hook for your song. I think that's very strong.
It might work well if you can repeat "forever" close by along the lines of:
we said we'd love forever...
how do we say goodbye when forever ends
Tricky to do that and maintain the rhyming of course!
There's lot's of emotion there, and that's important.
It's a great way to connect with the song.
Just visually scanning it, I can see some lines are longer than others. Assuming the melody is the same at those points it might become a bit squishy to fit them in. So I'd try to even out the syllable counts there. They don't have to be exactly the same, 1 or 2 difference is manageable as long as you can fit them into the same rhythm
I also notice that most of your lines are in pairs or groups of 4, but there is one set of 3 lines. That's ok if it's a deliberate choice - it can add some variation and drama. But the melody will have to change there to accommodate it, so it needs to be deliberate rather than accidental.
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