|View single post by Andrea|
|Posted: Thu Sep 10th, 2020 03:52 am||
I think your message of a failing relationship is strong. I can feel the emotions.
I would look to tighten the verses and change the structure to make it easier to follow.
In general,the word me is very prevalant. I would try to see if the lines can say the same thing without using me as much.
Being this stems from a personal experience, my suggestions may not fit. So, feel free to ignore if they do not work.
Here is an example of what I hear in my head:
You fashioned a new life for yourself
but didn't ask me.
What's wrong with the old one,
baby its treachery
All I wanted, all I needed,
was peace and tranquillity.
Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see.
I'll take the high road while you take the low,
This seems to be our creed
If I were to take your road
I know my feet will bleed
I'm everything you want
but, not everything you need
I like what you have here. I think it just need to be tightened.