View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Thu Aug 13th, 2020 12:28 am
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RainyDayMan



Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6665
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I like it Ian!

When it gets to the chorus I can almost hear the music playing. Those shorter lines just lend themselves to being sung out. And they are a nice contrast with the longer verses.

The imagery is very evocative. I guess we can all relate to weather, but a summer storm approaching during a heat wave is very vivid here.

I like the choice to use the bridge for when the storm has passed. The different music there will marry up with the change in the weather.

Not sure you need the A* at the end. I think you could easily end on the chorus if you wanted to.

Suggestions for your consideration:
Search for cooling > Need for cooling
on the roof > on the rooftops
Fresh water has washed away my fear > Clean water ...

This line doesn't work for me, but I'm not sure what you would replace it with:
Staying inside is for the best

These lines feel out of context to me:
A flash lights up my single thoughts
And then I pray to be reborn

Maybe you are going for water refreshing your soul there but "reborn" feels too strong for that, and the weather motif is missing, so my reaction was: where did that come from?

But overall I think it works well, and I particularly like the chorus.



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