View single post by Andrea
 Posted: Mon Jul 13th, 2020 08:49 pm
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Andrea

 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 1728
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I have been reading this as it evolves. The feelings come through very nicely. I think you have made some nice improvements in this version. The thoughts are more cohesive with a connected movement. In my opinion there are still a couple lines that are too general and do not lend to the meaning well. Maybe that is ok, but they may be worth a look.

Tell me am I near?
There's a feeling here >-this line feels weak: Maybe something more concrete. Just ideas off my head, floorboards disappear, is the high ground near?
Not my life
Not my life


Please don't pity me
But try to see
Where do I begin? - this line doesn't fit for me: food for thought - the turmoil/confusion within.
Am I in my skin?


I think this verse as a whole could be better. There are a lot of words that rhyme with me: anything ending in ly (ie honestly, fairly, genuinely...), or ity (reality, sincerity, quality...). Maybe you want to use the idea of seeing, they try to see, you start seeing - not sure if that is something you want.

Feeling insecure
Search behind each door - searching behind each door

I hope you can find something here that may help :)



____________________
Andrea
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