View single post by RainbowKeeper
 Posted: Tue Jun 30th, 2020 11:36 pm
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RainbowKeeper



Joined: Fri Feb 14th, 2020
Location: Germany
Posts: 524
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Uff sugary sugar...this is a nice one and I like the idea of the flipping it around. You got some very good and clever ideas here.
What got my attention is:
You are the kiss on my lips
lunar eclipse<<< I didn’t quiet get this. Thinking of a better possibility

recurring nightmare<<< maybe just „endless nightmare“ ?

You say you love me today
promise you'll stay
come morning your in the wind. << I see your problem with the rhyme here, but it’s the only ending line that is not like the others. I’d say a) change the verse or b) find a part in the second part of the song where you can change the last line of a verse too.

I like how you continue the songs concept in the chorus but the line: I love you too much...is a bit to much out of the frame for me personally. I’d chose: lovED you too much...(without the I) or...mhh I dunno maybe comparing love to fooling around to stick to the „twisted“. Let me think about this if you like.

all my beliefs are now doubts << so easy but a brilliant line u got there.

You are my life saving prayer
electric chair
you know you have me twisted

you're my security vault
San Andreas Fault
you know you have me twisted

You are the bird in the cage
Rockstar on stage
you know you have me twisted
<<< these 3 are very great. Your „twisted“ images get better and better too the end.

Hope I was helpful
RK



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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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