View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Thu Jun 18th, 2020 12:12 am
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RainyDayMan



Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6623
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I like it RK, I think it hangs together.

Your first verse (A`) is fairly long. Feels like you might want a change after that, so I would suggest putting B next. I would convert that into a chorus to be repeated in the song, and shorten it to allow that to happen. More like:
Paper is patient B
Paper doesn’t blush
Writing helps my self-control
Paper is patient
Yes it doesn’t blush
But I tell you some words
Are tattooed on my soul

Then your A+ section, chorus, C then finish on the chorus.

Your A* ending seems disconnected from the rest of the song. Emotionally it may resonate but in terms of the paper metaphor it's out there on its own. I would remove it.

As a minor thing, in your first line you might try:
Maybe I deserve all of this > Maybe I deserve all of it
because you haven't introduced anything yet, so "this" is out of context - but no biggie here.



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