|View single post by RainyDayMan|
|Posted: Thu Jun 18th, 2020 12:12 am||
|I like it RK, I think it hangs together.
Your first verse (A`) is fairly long. Feels like you might want a change after that, so I would suggest putting B next. I would convert that into a chorus to be repeated in the song, and shorten it to allow that to happen. More like:
Paper is patient B
Paper doesn’t blush
Writing helps my self-control
Paper is patient
Yes it doesn’t blush
But I tell you some words
Are tattooed on my soul
Then your A+ section, chorus, C then finish on the chorus.
Your A* ending seems disconnected from the rest of the song. Emotionally it may resonate but in terms of the paper metaphor it's out there on its own. I would remove it.
As a minor thing, in your first line you might try:
Maybe I deserve all of this > Maybe I deserve all of it
because you haven't introduced anything yet, so "this" is out of context - but no biggie here.