View single post by Andrea
 Posted: Thu Mar 26th, 2020 03:36 am
PMQuoteReplyFull Topic
Andrea

 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 1147
Status: 
Offline
RainyDayMan wrote:
There's a lot I like about this.

V1 is nice, and from the feel of it, starts things slowly and quietly before the build up into the chorus.

Depending on the rhythm you want, in v2 you might consider
With each daylight minute lost
It gets even worse
>
With every daylight minute lost
It's getting even worse

Batten down the hatches
Prepare for darker days

these feel like the strongest lines to me, so it's great they are in the chorus, and I like how you bookend the chorus with them.
The "Ninety days..." lines seem like they should build upon each other upping the dynamics as they go.
I can't quite find the rhythm of those, but without the music it's hard to tell.
Because you had rhyming in the verses, it felt to me like there should have been a rhyme with "days" where you currently have "discontent", but again best to hear it before changing anything.

I like the verse starting:
The deep dark cold of winter
Knows how to take it's toll...

The next one (about Feb etc) feels lighter in tone, almost comical or ironic - not taking itself seriously.
I wasn't quite sure then what tone you were going for overall. I guess another instance where you need to hear it to get the full impression.

But lots to enjoy!


Thank you Owen for the thoughtful feedback. I like the way your suggestion sounds 'With every daylight minute lost
It's getting even worse'. I will work to make this fit in.

In the chorus, I didn't want to use the same rhyme scheme. Days does have an almost rhyme - it is with decay. maybe this isn't close enough?

As per the last verses ("I like the verse starting:
The deep dark cold of winter
Knows how to take it's toll...

The next one (about Feb etc) feels lighter in tone, almost comical or ironic - not taking itself seriously.)

I probably would have left off the entire part starting with As feb. and leave it at 'So I can finally feel whole. I was trying to keep the structure. I will have to think about this some more. Thanks for the food for thought.



____________________
Andrea
Close Window