View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Mon Mar 2nd, 2020 10:31 am
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RainyDayMan



Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6888
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I think overall this is shaping nicely. Got a grittiness to it that suggests rock to me.

I like:
We locked eyes for a few
how the "seconds" are implied

We’re dog fightin’
Ain’t no crown

there's a sense of viciousness there and pointlessness.

I don't understand these lines either:
The way we met
Was in a book or two

though enigmatic lyrics are nothing new!

More good lines:
How did we get here
From dancing on the clouds

you've created a feeling of distance there as well as the prior euphoria.

I think you've got the structure right here.
That second verse is the end of the story so the bridge has to come in the middle creating a symmetrical shape to the whole.

As a suggestion you might consider:
We’re coming down
Coming down



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