View single post by Andrea
 Posted: Sun Mar 1st, 2020 11:44 pm
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Andrea

 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 2022
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 Hi Sensus, I think you have something here worth working on. The story is there - 2 people met like a fairy tale, but things have changed and the narrator (one of the people) is having a difficult time with the relationship troubles. He/ she chooses to end the relationship. My favorite part is the chorus, but I agree with RK, some of the terminology is not working. I might suggest a simple chorus:

How did we get here
From dancing on clouds
Hardly breathin’
We're on our way down

- Maybe repeat this all twice

or
How did we get here
From dancing on clouds
Hardly breathin’
On our way down
Not much left to believe in
We’re coming down
We’re coming down

Some other thoughts to use or lose (just my personal view):

V1: eliminate the first 2 lines. They are contradictory to the rest of the verse. Make V1 about how you met.

Make the Bridge verse 2. Things are changing. Then chorus

V3 - what happened to make it change? Add to the story.

Maybe a V4 could conclude with the decision to end it?

A strong chorus can make a song. I think you are on your way. The story is there, so work on improving the verses to help make a stronger storyline.



____________________
Andrea
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