View single post by RainbowKeeper
 Posted: Thu Feb 27th, 2020 02:17 am
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RainbowKeeper



Joined: Fri Feb 14th, 2020
Location: Germany
Posts: 530
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hey there,
first of all: congrats on finishing your first songlyrics!
It's hard work, I/we here know that. And I must say u did a pritty good job!
So, here is my feedback for u:

I love the c part:
How did we get here
From dancing on the clouds
Hardly breathin’     << very good
On our way down
We’re dog fightin’  << that is some american slang isn't it?
Ain’t no crown
We’re coming down
We’re coming down

the ending is ok:
R:
We’re coming down
We’re done
No more me and you   << I would skip that and end on the line before

what I think you can improve a little is:
The way we met
Was in a book or two 
<< what exactly do you mean here? sorry I'm a non american, and I d come up with words EVERYone can relate to.
one lil other thing or, well ok 1 and 1/2 things:
Don’t what to believe  << do you really mean 'what'?
Say love is an ocean
So, I’ll surf the sea
<< this is a lil.... well dont get me wrong here...a little boring cause it has been used so often. I think you can find 2 lines that fit better....specially  (and here comes the 1/2) if u rhyme sea with see...I'm SURE u can find a better way to say what u wanna express here. The c part compared to this is at least 2times stronger.
As far as "non american me" understand it, you are talking about a lost love and you are wonderin' how you came down. Asking what may have been wrong that brought the cloud-dancing to an end.


Last edited on Thu Feb 27th, 2020 02:18 am by RainbowKeeper



____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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