View single post by Andrea
 Posted: Mon Feb 17th, 2020 02:17 pm
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Andrea

 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 1885
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I have been going through both versions and here are my thoughts.

I agree V1 is not the strongest (I rewrote this so many times trying to find the right words. I agree it still is not great. but, I too like when our hearts first entwined, so would like to use that). I am not able to hear just "[when our hearts first entwined x2]" as the start/ lead in. I might prefer something more for an intro.

In the chorus, I like the changes you made. But I would say is rather than was: Love is our key

In this verse:

Holding hands
And each other’s backs
We stood strong
When life threw us off track
Our love let colours rose out of the black
Yeah, there‘re colours where it once was black

The first thing I see now is that the syllable count is off (it was for my lines too). I am fine with rewriting my lines, but I am not sold on these lines yet. I will think some more on these.

I like how you took the " we were very good..." verse and made it into a bridge. I like the way you wrote it too.

And lastly, you changed "I'm forever yours" to Be forever yours. I am not sure if it is that much different, and the last line should then say you'll be forever mine. I probably wouldn't change it.

Hope to hear your thoughts again. I hope we can work on this some more :)



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Andrea
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