View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Thu Aug 15th, 2019 07:59 am
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RainyDayMan



Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 5757
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Alan, I think some of these lines are truly great, especially:
your wings were ready much to soon
but I'm afraid my heart was not


and I also like:
they say that God has a plan
but its not the same as mine


It's poignant and touching and has the potential to be something special.

But other parts still need some attention.
I don't think these are strong enough:
Can't believe you've gone so quickly
you are everything that I've got

particularly the 2nd. Feels like it's there for the rhyme.
If you can up the ante on those you'll have a wonderful chorus.

My other suggestion is to make your verses twice as long.
Combine what's currently v1 and v2, and create another one to go with v3. The contrast in length against your shorter chorus will work in your favor, and it also creates some room internally to vary the melody within the verse.



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