View single post by BRD
 Posted: Fri Aug 9th, 2019 04:54 pm
PMQuoteReplyFull Topic
BRD



Joined: Sun Aug 4th, 2019
Location: Arkansas USA
Posts: 42
Status: 
Online
I love it. Reads like a Merle Haggard tune. If I may make a suggestion to take it or leave it...

Verse 1 and 2 are very similar (I really like verse 2- clever stuff in there).

Verse 1 and 2 read like he's stuck in a rut. In verse 3 he comes to a conclusion that he really needs to find a way out a way.

I would maybe consider getting rid of verse 1 or 2, it natually progresses to verse 3 which I like. So that would make verse 3 the new verse 2, and then add a new verse 3 which would show a resolve to leave before he gets the can in the first two lines, but then show bring it back to earth like it's impossible in lines 3 and 4.

Close Window