View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Thu Jun 27th, 2019 12:20 am
PMQuoteReplyFull Topic
RainyDayMan



Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6255
Status: 
Offline
Mike, I like everything here except your title/hook - I think it's too convoluted.

I think you might have to comprise there. Even re-arranging it more like:
without one I can't live without
is still unwieldy. You may need to find some other line. Maybe:
How do I live, learn to live without
or something like that. But that doesn't fit every instance where you've used it.

But there's heart-wrenching emotion there. And some great lines:
Today I... Asked for an answer
I guess getting no answer, was my only sign

Now one is a crowd

She said that my loss, was her greatest gain


I do like the song, but it's central line is troublesome.



____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
Close Window