|View single post by RainyDayMan|
|Posted: Sun Jun 23rd, 2019 11:33 pm||
|Good start here. I like the loving, emotional tone, and the conversational style.
headed for the road > headed for the coast
(just to give some sense of direction)
with my heavy load > move this heavy load
The "with" feels too soft there. You could also try "under" or something else instead.
lots of miles to cover > Got a lotta miles to cover
It's a lonely highway > It's an emp-ty, lone-ly highway (pause)
I wish that you could come > I wish that you could be here
I understand you gotta stay > I know you gotta stay
I'll be home soon > I'll be heading home soon
(feels like that line needs to be longer to match others)
I'll cover miles quickly > The miles are moving quickly
(flowing could be another option)
very soon I'll be back > Soon I will be back
all the time that I'm away > Each time that I'm away
(I do like that last verse. Feels strong)
The 'riding shotgun' metaphor doesn't really go any further, but I can't see how to easily do that either.