View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Mon Jun 24th, 2019 12:33 am
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RainyDayMan



Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 5754
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Good start here. I like the loving, emotional tone, and the conversational style.

Some suggestions:
headed for the road > headed for the coast
(just to give some sense of direction)

with my heavy load > move this heavy load
The "with" feels too soft there. You could also try "under" or something else instead.

lots of miles to cover > Got a lotta miles to cover

It's a lonely highway > It's an emp-ty, lone-ly highway (pause)

I wish that you could come > I wish that you could be here

I understand you gotta stay > I know you gotta stay


I'll be home soon > I'll be heading home soon
(feels like that line needs to be longer to match others)

I'll cover miles quickly > The miles are moving quickly
(flowing could be another option)

very soon I'll be back > Soon I will be back

all the time that I'm away > Each time that I'm away
(I do like that last verse. Feels strong)

The 'riding shotgun' metaphor doesn't really go any further, but I can't see how to easily do that either.



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