View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Wed Jun 19th, 2019 12:54 am
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RainyDayMan



Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6273
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Good theme. And there's some strong lines in there, but some work needed too.

I'd suggest trying it in the present tense (rather than past) to see if it makes it more compelling.
So: I still cried out for more > Still crying out for more.
"I've been ten rounds with the bottle" will have to stay as is cause clearly that's not happening right now. And in any case that's too good to change.

"battered bruised and broken"
that's great too. Love the alliteration!

"with a foe I need to win"
"win" just feels wrong there. It should be "beat" or equivalent. I get that it's there for the rhyme but it doesn't work for me. Maybe you could rhyme "beat" with "defeat" and re-arrange things that way?

So some suggestions:
I've been ten rounds with the bottle
laid me out right on the floor
battered bruised and broken
still crying out for more

never learn from my mistakes
with the bottle I can't win
knocks me down every round
and I can't get up again

I'm in a constant battle
with a foe I need to beat
as those sips touch my lips
I am staring at defeat

like a boxer on the canvas
feeling each and every blow
scarred and defeated
with nowhere else to go

I've been ten rounds with the bottle
laid me out right on the floor
battered bruised and broken
still crying out... for more



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