View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Mon Jun 3rd, 2019 01:48 am
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RainyDayMan



Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 5754
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I like it Mike! Got a crooner sort of vibe to it.

Where ecstasy has no end
"ecstasy" feels like it might be awkward to sing there, but once you have a melody you'll know whether it fits or not.

I'd suggest swapping pretend > pretense here:
Cause what we have is not pretend
to me, pretend has too much of a childish feel to it, and I think the rhyme still holds.

I found myself combining
Will I always be your maybe...
with
Cause we both share these feelings...
to make an extended chorus. So you might have an option there if you wanted to do that.

Potentially you could swap night > moment and make it:
I’d cherish every moment
And spend that moment loving you

but it works fine as it is too.

Not sure about the change of rhyme in the last chorus.
Best to hear how it sounds, but it certainly stands out as being different looking at it. If you do end up changing it , I'd keep:
It’s the only way to save me
as that's a good one.

But all up, I can feel the rhythm in it, and it flows very nicely. Good stuff!



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