View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Fri Feb 8th, 2019 08:47 am
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RainyDayMan



Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 5813
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Overall, I think this is quite strong. So some sugs, but relatively minor things.

They no longer light up your face. > They don't light up your face.
(to match the syllable count of the line 2)

Not sure when it's all goin' to end. > Not sure where it's all goin' to end.
(I think when, then where works better)

In your chorus, the last two lines not rhyming stood out to me because all the others do.
Maybe: It don't feel as right as before

"Don't tingle the spine to the core."
This is also noticeably longer than line 2.

Just it's > It's just
(feels more natural)



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