View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Fri Oct 5th, 2018 10:25 pm
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RainyDayMan



Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6478
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Like M.P., I also like those first two lines. Trouble is, they don't actually relate well to the rest of the song.
That image and context isn't necessary for what comes next.

The other issue I see is that the age of the singer/narrator seems ill-defined. These lines:
I don’t go out on Friday nights
No heels, no friends, no neon lights

suggest a younger person.
But these ones:
All my time, my youth, my pride
...
to work away your whole life

suggest an older person.

The overall emotion and tone seem a better fit to a younger person.

The good news is that you have a lot of emotion going, and that is always a good thing.

And the song is well structured to be able to put to music.



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