|View single post by RainyDayMan|
|Posted: Fri Oct 5th, 2018 11:25 pm||
|Like M.P., I also like those first two lines. Trouble is, they don't actually relate well to the rest of the song.
That image and context isn't necessary for what comes next.
The other issue I see is that the age of the singer/narrator seems ill-defined. These lines:
I don’t go out on Friday nights
No heels, no friends, no neon lights
suggest a younger person.
But these ones:
All my time, my youth, my pride
to work away your whole life
suggest an older person.
The overall emotion and tone seem a better fit to a younger person.
The good news is that you have a lot of emotion going, and that is always a good thing.
And the song is well structured to be able to put to music.