View single post by fasstrack
 Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2017 09:47 pm
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fasstrack



Joined: Sat May 13th, 2017
Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania USA
Posts: 257
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OK (cracks knuckles):

I would put 'cut to'---the stuff about a trip to the doctor. It's important (per Sheila Davis, whose books are very helpful) to make your timeline clear to the listener.

Also, 'my life is a little wild' doesn't seem quite the emotion a person perhaps ambivalent but loving of an unwanted child would express. Maybe it rhymes, but it needs to be in keeping with the story. I think by 'wild' you were trying to say that the person isn't ready to settle down to kids and marriage, but you have to make that clear.

Edit/rewrite some more. You're on the right track...

Last edited on Wed Jun 14th, 2017 09:48 pm by fasstrack



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